The feast is moving again
So, ok, yes, I got a fancy shmancy job. Although I am quite looking forward to having an office with a door and a desk, I am also starting to despair. And not just because I have about 5 months of training left and I feel no readier to practice than a year ago. (just today, my cecal intubation rate was about 50%, and I had to ask my buddy for advice on managing a routine situation with a vaccine...) I'm in despair because I don't know if I'll be happy living Down There.
I've always looked at this fellowship and this three-year relocation as temporary, with the endpoint being moving back to Boston, or the Metro West. In fact, I wanted to live in an N-town, where I grew up, or even a W-town if I could stand the waspiness. When I started to look for jobs, though, I realized that apparently, the Boston area practices have hired all they needed to hire about 2 years ago, and now, no one was looking.
Well - that's not quite true. Some were looking for people who would perform things I wasn't going to perform. It is in this way that my co-fellow, who was also my attendign last year, and is completing an advanced year, got the job for the place that I wanted, and is living in the place I wanted and is buying a 1.7 million dollar house that I wanted, eventually. Ain't that how it goes.
Anyway, I thought it was amazing that I was 32 years old and completely unready and unable to go about jobsearching. I was contacting practices to ask if they were hiring, because as most people say, the best positions are never advertised. I tried, but I'm so shy, and I honestly felt like I was making cold sales calls, and it felt awful. And it didn't help that I was and am pretty much terrified of and highly uncomfortable with the very people who are supposed to be helping me find a job. No one really helped me, except one gentleman, which was much appreciated, but it just isn't good when one gets cold shivers writing down the references for potential employers...
The end result is that I don't think I made the sweeping broad effort I was meant to make when looking for jobs in the Boston area. Sure, I called this practice and that practice, and sent a few emails... Talked to a few militently protective office managers. Found my options limited. It was either Harvard, or in financial trouble. I also avoided any area that could potentially be a turf war with my current place, which is a giant growing octopus - and this cut out a large geographic area, too... And so, I ended up with this job that's pretty much the furthest from Boston I've been, not counting Philly. I used to have a friend who lived in the deep burbs down 495, and I used to mercilessly mock him, and now, it seems, karma is upon me.
Oh and by the way? Turns out, I wasn't even their first choice! I somehow got a call from this girl who is looking for jobs in the Boston area too, and she was wondering if I left anyone still looking in my blazing trail - and when I told her where I've got the job, she told me that she had an offer from them too, that she turned down. The same day that I got my offer. Great. Who in the world tells that to someone?
Ever since I got this job, I have been on the internet looking and looking and looking at places and towns in the area, and I just don't see anything I like. I already know and have accepted that it won't be cityish, but whatever happened to the quintessential New England town with the street down the middle, the ice cream shop, the town common with the gazebo? I haven't found it. I keep hoping to find it, but no. I keep trying to convince myself that "this is totally edible," but apart from malls, and the occasional yacht club, it's all rural, and if it's not, it's seasonal. Nothing is Boston... Nothing is like the N-town I wanted...
What's the big deal? Well, take today, for example. My friend is in Boston on business from California. He called up and wanted to meet up for dinner and meet the baby. I told him that I work long hours, and that we live an hour away from Boston, and he said that it's no problem and that he'll happily hop on a train or a bus and come to us. HA. There IS no bus or train that goes here reliably! And I cannot get in the car and schlep to Boston on a whim. If I lived where I used to live though? 3 years ago? Or even last year? Pow bang boom - and we're having cocktails!
Or take this weekend. We had a dinner outing for a birthday of a friend. My parents who'd normally babysit were sick. And we almost couldn't go because we could sleep at their place that night. Because the alternative would be paying a million dollars to a sitter (which is ok), but also driving home inebriated for an hour.
I have not made a true home for ourselves here because, as I said, it's always been temporary as far as I was concerned. I haven't really tried to form a circle, or explore the area and find favorites. I go to Boston for everything, from hair, to having my baby, and most definitely for social life reasons. I worry that when we move Down There, it'll be the same, but permanently! And we will always be schlepping in the car for an hour - or missing things!
Am I as always just looking for the feast that is perpetually elluding me?
I've always looked at this fellowship and this three-year relocation as temporary, with the endpoint being moving back to Boston, or the Metro West. In fact, I wanted to live in an N-town, where I grew up, or even a W-town if I could stand the waspiness. When I started to look for jobs, though, I realized that apparently, the Boston area practices have hired all they needed to hire about 2 years ago, and now, no one was looking.
Well - that's not quite true. Some were looking for people who would perform things I wasn't going to perform. It is in this way that my co-fellow, who was also my attendign last year, and is completing an advanced year, got the job for the place that I wanted, and is living in the place I wanted and is buying a 1.7 million dollar house that I wanted, eventually. Ain't that how it goes.
Anyway, I thought it was amazing that I was 32 years old and completely unready and unable to go about jobsearching. I was contacting practices to ask if they were hiring, because as most people say, the best positions are never advertised. I tried, but I'm so shy, and I honestly felt like I was making cold sales calls, and it felt awful. And it didn't help that I was and am pretty much terrified of and highly uncomfortable with the very people who are supposed to be helping me find a job. No one really helped me, except one gentleman, which was much appreciated, but it just isn't good when one gets cold shivers writing down the references for potential employers...
The end result is that I don't think I made the sweeping broad effort I was meant to make when looking for jobs in the Boston area. Sure, I called this practice and that practice, and sent a few emails... Talked to a few militently protective office managers. Found my options limited. It was either Harvard, or in financial trouble. I also avoided any area that could potentially be a turf war with my current place, which is a giant growing octopus - and this cut out a large geographic area, too... And so, I ended up with this job that's pretty much the furthest from Boston I've been, not counting Philly. I used to have a friend who lived in the deep burbs down 495, and I used to mercilessly mock him, and now, it seems, karma is upon me.
Oh and by the way? Turns out, I wasn't even their first choice! I somehow got a call from this girl who is looking for jobs in the Boston area too, and she was wondering if I left anyone still looking in my blazing trail - and when I told her where I've got the job, she told me that she had an offer from them too, that she turned down. The same day that I got my offer. Great. Who in the world tells that to someone?
Ever since I got this job, I have been on the internet looking and looking and looking at places and towns in the area, and I just don't see anything I like. I already know and have accepted that it won't be cityish, but whatever happened to the quintessential New England town with the street down the middle, the ice cream shop, the town common with the gazebo? I haven't found it. I keep hoping to find it, but no. I keep trying to convince myself that "this is totally edible," but apart from malls, and the occasional yacht club, it's all rural, and if it's not, it's seasonal. Nothing is Boston... Nothing is like the N-town I wanted...
What's the big deal? Well, take today, for example. My friend is in Boston on business from California. He called up and wanted to meet up for dinner and meet the baby. I told him that I work long hours, and that we live an hour away from Boston, and he said that it's no problem and that he'll happily hop on a train or a bus and come to us. HA. There IS no bus or train that goes here reliably! And I cannot get in the car and schlep to Boston on a whim. If I lived where I used to live though? 3 years ago? Or even last year? Pow bang boom - and we're having cocktails!
Or take this weekend. We had a dinner outing for a birthday of a friend. My parents who'd normally babysit were sick. And we almost couldn't go because we could sleep at their place that night. Because the alternative would be paying a million dollars to a sitter (which is ok), but also driving home inebriated for an hour.
I have not made a true home for ourselves here because, as I said, it's always been temporary as far as I was concerned. I haven't really tried to form a circle, or explore the area and find favorites. I go to Boston for everything, from hair, to having my baby, and most definitely for social life reasons. I worry that when we move Down There, it'll be the same, but permanently! And we will always be schlepping in the car for an hour - or missing things!
Am I as always just looking for the feast that is perpetually elluding me?
Comments