Pontificum Scriblerus

Driving to work today with hubby, listening to NPR, it suddenly occurred to me that if this recession and financial crisis had happened 10 yrs ago, when I was in medical school, I probably wouldn't have been able to borrow the money I needed to finish! What a horrible thought! I'd be maybe 2 years in, 100K in debt already, and forced to quit? Plus, to tell you the truth, if I had been forced to quit, I probably wouldn't have come back. Medical school a one painful shot deal. Not the sort of thing you can walk away from, and then come back. What would I have done? Would my parents have helped? Would I have been thrown out on my ass? So, forget me, I am already a doctor. Instead, think about how the medical profession is going to be only for kids of the rich. That is not equal right to the pursuit of happiness at all.

In no particular order: 1) Socializing and laughing at work 2) High heeled shoes 3) Full night's sleep 4) Listening to the iPod on the way to the T 5) Getting dressed up and going out 6) Wanting to get dressed up and go out 7) Cooking 8) Obligatory 20 minutes a day outside 9) Sun-filled atrium with a view of the Big Dig 10) Eat in kitchen 11) Drug dinners and booze 12) Celebrating Tuesday with random happy hour 13) Real medicine 14) Monday warriors 15) Morning report 16) Lunch with D 17) Looking for places to Yelp 18) Post call sleep 19) Knowing where to show up and what to do 20) Frivolous fantasies ...

I have no idea why I thought about this, what insane freeflow association released this from the corner of my mind, but I was just remembering getting my braces. I was a sophomore in high school, and it must have been early fall because I remember wearing a magenta colored sweater, and a pair of jeans that were starting to be too tight for my developing butt. The orthodontist was in Brookline, so I took the T, got the braces, and took the T/bus back. On the bus I was looking in the window at my reflection, and at my newly blackened metalic grill. I got off the bus, and instead of walking home, I walked to my friend's house. When she opened the door, I showed her the braces, and started crying. Then I went home. I think we just stood by the door, I didn't even go into the house. It was the day Audrey Hepburn died, I also remember that. Her picture was everywhere.

Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse, it did. I had my first car accident in 13 years. It was so ironic: I left my house, I was driving along, people were behaving ridiculously, zipping side to side, going nutty trying to pass each other, and I thought, Jesus, people can't drive today at all, or what? About 3 miles later, some guy tried to cut me off, and I punched the horn, and swerved to the left to avoid him, then in a split seconed realized I was about to hit the guardrail, so swerved to the right, and suddenly found myself skidding all the way to the other side of route 9. It was cartoonish. I turned the wheel the other way trying to get control of the car, and again, suddenly found myself doing 360's across route 9, over the curb with the snowbank, and backwards into the woods, finally coming to a stop when wedged between 2 trees. It's crazy. You come to this realization, that you're about to have an accident, and you know you're about to, but you...

Today, just as I was walking in, a young man who was about to have a nasogastric tube placed for a study, paled and swooned. He was out for a good 5 minutes. His wife said he was very very nervous about the test. Apparently, this is common in young men. Just thought I'd mention it.

Where are my rosy goggles? I think I'll need them after last week... As someone who's now had disciplinary action taken against her, and is about to commence a week of work and call under one of the disciplinarians (read: executioners), I feel like I'll be walking a tightrope sans safety net over an abyss. It would help if the abyss were rose tinted. Thinking back, I think I know what they mean when they point out my "attitude" problem. Correction: I KNOW I know what they mean. I have had these issues before: surgery, OB, Genzyme... (I was fired from Genzyme after two weeks!) It's always when I've been unhappy with my situation; I wear my heart on my face, and people don't like that. Unfortunately, here, they've decided to hang their hat on faults I don't actually have based on isolated incidents. Turns out, I'm bad with staff and patients. Just. Not. True. They could have done so much better pointing out faults. I'm not proactive. I...