Worst week

Where are my rosy goggles? I think I'll need them after last week...

As someone who's now had disciplinary action taken against her, and is about to commence a week of work and call under one of the disciplinarians (read: executioners), I feel like I'll be walking a tightrope sans safety net over an abyss. It would help if the abyss were rose tinted.

Thinking back, I think I know what they mean when they point out my "attitude" problem. Correction: I KNOW I know what they mean. I have had these issues before: surgery, OB, Genzyme... (I was fired from Genzyme after two weeks!) It's always when I've been unhappy with my situation; I wear my heart on my face, and people don't like that. Unfortunately, here, they've decided to hang their hat on faults I don't actually have based on isolated incidents. Turns out, I'm bad with staff and patients.

Just. Not. True.

They could have done so much better pointing out faults. I'm not proactive. I'm timid. I lack confidence. I act too familiar and don't know my place. I talk too much and don't say enough. I do the minimum required. I try to adapt the attending to myself. I argue moot points. My knowledge base is average at best. My technical skills could use a lot of help. For god's sake, I never go to conference, I do my dictations late, I don't answer emails on time, I wear sneakers to work, I forget my stethoscope, my white coat has coffee stains... All those things I know to be true, and I'd be embarrassed but would understand how they came up, and promise to work on them.

But telling me I make patients cry? and support staff uncomfortable? That's taking away the exact things I know I do well: get along with people, and relate to patients.

Or not? I don't know anymore!

How am I supposed to work on that?

I am amazed that for the past 4 years, I had no such problems. Despite my derision and bitching during residency, I gotta give credit where credit is due: Rick sure knew how to pick us! I must have been truly happy. I almost started believing people like me the way I am - until now.

Now I've been reminded that no one gives a shit about the way I am, they just expect me to play the game. And I've always had problems coloring within the lines...

Comments

yana V. said…
i hear ya... I've been told in the past that i have and "attitude problem", but that problem surfaced after blame couldn't be delegated where blame was due, so i was picked as a punching bag. They had to blame someone. it sux.. :(
February 2, 2009 at 10:28 AM
tarah said…
:-/

And I thought my last week was bad.
February 4, 2009 at 10:17 AM
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