Will it ever stop...
In my long and likely annoying series of self analytical posts, we've already covered my addictiveness, my anxiety regarding getting what I want, my need for approval, and even my inherent laziness. Given the latter, I end up with significant amounts of idle time on my hands, and if you consider my ego-centricity, it's only natural that the analysis never stops.
The most recent topic I've been going over in my head is my obsessiveness. And I don't mean that in the obsessive-compulsive wash my hands kind of way. Rather, if something concerns me, I absolutely cannot get it out of my head. Some people, there must be some people, who are able to wave away troublesome thoughts, but I have not mastered that skill. For me, it's more like, the less I want to think about something, the more it's on my mind.
["Don't think about monkeys; disgusting macaques scratching and showing their red backsides: these vile animals have no place in our sacred ritual. If these abominable creatures enter your thoughts, we will fail," says Nasreddin Hodja when he is challenged to turn a deformed depraved man into a handsome lovelace via his magical powers - which he naturally does not have.
Try it. DON'T think about monkeys. Try for 5 minutes.]
I ruminate. I think things over and over. I hear things and see things in my head like a reel of film. I hear echos, and each time, I relive whatever emotion I lived at the moment of the actual event. If it's a bad memory, it's just torturous. It's so not good for my health.
My maternal grandfather, Aaron, passed away at an early age from a hemorrhage into the brain - probably an aneurysm. According to my mom, he was an anxious person, and ruminated quite a bit. He'd so something, and then regret it, and think and talk about it for days. "Was that wrong? Was that okay? I wonder what would have happened if... No, tell me it's okay..."
Also, according to my mom, a lot of our relatives on that side of the family, whom I have never met, also had similar problems. A lot of strokes and brain issues there. She swears that the obsessive personality trait has a direcet corelation. She predicts the same sad fate for herself - and probably, me.
Will it ever stop? I dunno... Will I ever stop analyzing myself?
The most recent topic I've been going over in my head is my obsessiveness. And I don't mean that in the obsessive-compulsive wash my hands kind of way. Rather, if something concerns me, I absolutely cannot get it out of my head. Some people, there must be some people, who are able to wave away troublesome thoughts, but I have not mastered that skill. For me, it's more like, the less I want to think about something, the more it's on my mind.
["Don't think about monkeys; disgusting macaques scratching and showing their red backsides: these vile animals have no place in our sacred ritual. If these abominable creatures enter your thoughts, we will fail," says Nasreddin Hodja when he is challenged to turn a deformed depraved man into a handsome lovelace via his magical powers - which he naturally does not have.
Try it. DON'T think about monkeys. Try for 5 minutes.]
I ruminate. I think things over and over. I hear things and see things in my head like a reel of film. I hear echos, and each time, I relive whatever emotion I lived at the moment of the actual event. If it's a bad memory, it's just torturous. It's so not good for my health.
My maternal grandfather, Aaron, passed away at an early age from a hemorrhage into the brain - probably an aneurysm. According to my mom, he was an anxious person, and ruminated quite a bit. He'd so something, and then regret it, and think and talk about it for days. "Was that wrong? Was that okay? I wonder what would have happened if... No, tell me it's okay..."
Also, according to my mom, a lot of our relatives on that side of the family, whom I have never met, also had similar problems. A lot of strokes and brain issues there. She swears that the obsessive personality trait has a direcet corelation. She predicts the same sad fate for herself - and probably, me.
Will it ever stop? I dunno... Will I ever stop analyzing myself?
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