Reflection
Some time ago, prompted by a period of boredom, I wrote an entire long post of self analytic rhetoric. I had a similar epiphany moment recently while spending the morning shivering in an arctically air-conditioned computer room, as my minions did my work for me.
I thought, I must have a very addictive personality when having to do with things to which I've become accustomed. When told for whatever reason, that I cannot partake any more, for my own good, or for the good of others, I am suddenly faced with an impossible hurdle, and a decent amount of internal angst. They always say, you can't help a person that doesn't want to help themselves? It's cliche, but so true! I can be offered a helping hand, strategies for dealing with whatever I wanted and couldn't have, free space to express what I was feeling with immunity - but none of those things would be in the least bit useful because if I don't want to give up the thing I need to give up, I'd probably just plan secret ways to get it - only feeding my addiction further.
It's not called "addiction" straight out because it might not be a drug or a drink, but honestly, looking at it from the side, the behaviors are the same. I'd need a buddy to stop me. Kind of like a sponsor. I'd count minutes, taking each one - you guessed it - at a time. Finally, I'd probably be surrounded by triggers that, when encountered, would send me for a serious loop, most likely making any progress tumble down. Triggers! For me, with sensitive olfactories and a memory set on recording the smallest details (and don't forget a brain that never stops), it could be anything.
Of course, it wouldn't be a TRUE addiction, like I said, because there is no chemical dependency. I think what really bothers me about having to give up something is a) the fact that it's change, and I get extremely anxious with change, and b) although I've ironically been called an absolutist, I cannot fathom the idea of finality, closed door, burnt bridge. It complements my fear of change. If I were a true addict, what I'm about to propose would not work, but for me, if I were in this situation, it would probably make me stronger to know that this is just temporary... that a door can be left ajar... to let the spirits in, so to say.
I consider myself a pretty cynical person; tough, not emotional - but as I was sitting there yesterday, listening to quiet music with sad but sexy lyrics, thinking all these thoughts, engaging in self-analysis, to my great chagrin, my nose started to tickle, and traitorous tears rose to the surface.
With a big sigh, I went back to work.
My thoughts are mine, but I wish I could share them for feedback. Like a true dog person, I need validation...
I thought, I must have a very addictive personality when having to do with things to which I've become accustomed. When told for whatever reason, that I cannot partake any more, for my own good, or for the good of others, I am suddenly faced with an impossible hurdle, and a decent amount of internal angst. They always say, you can't help a person that doesn't want to help themselves? It's cliche, but so true! I can be offered a helping hand, strategies for dealing with whatever I wanted and couldn't have, free space to express what I was feeling with immunity - but none of those things would be in the least bit useful because if I don't want to give up the thing I need to give up, I'd probably just plan secret ways to get it - only feeding my addiction further.
It's not called "addiction" straight out because it might not be a drug or a drink, but honestly, looking at it from the side, the behaviors are the same. I'd need a buddy to stop me. Kind of like a sponsor. I'd count minutes, taking each one - you guessed it - at a time. Finally, I'd probably be surrounded by triggers that, when encountered, would send me for a serious loop, most likely making any progress tumble down. Triggers! For me, with sensitive olfactories and a memory set on recording the smallest details (and don't forget a brain that never stops), it could be anything.
Of course, it wouldn't be a TRUE addiction, like I said, because there is no chemical dependency. I think what really bothers me about having to give up something is a) the fact that it's change, and I get extremely anxious with change, and b) although I've ironically been called an absolutist, I cannot fathom the idea of finality, closed door, burnt bridge. It complements my fear of change. If I were a true addict, what I'm about to propose would not work, but for me, if I were in this situation, it would probably make me stronger to know that this is just temporary... that a door can be left ajar... to let the spirits in, so to say.
I consider myself a pretty cynical person; tough, not emotional - but as I was sitting there yesterday, listening to quiet music with sad but sexy lyrics, thinking all these thoughts, engaging in self-analysis, to my great chagrin, my nose started to tickle, and traitorous tears rose to the surface.
With a big sigh, I went back to work.
My thoughts are mine, but I wish I could share them for feedback. Like a true dog person, I need validation...
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