Little girls grow up

This weekend, my BFF finally made an honest man out of her BF.

Two weeks ago, she was here for final preparations, and it happened to come out that I tend to cry at weddings. This simple fact caused so much uproar and incredulity, that I was partially offended: why is it so surprising? Is it because I'm such a heartless bi-atch that I am dead inside and nothing gets to me?

To show all the people out there who believe that I have no soul, I dedicate this entire post to the wedding.

Here we have the beautiful bride-to-be in her gorgeous hotel suite (bigger than her actual living quarters), sporting bridal bunny ears provided by the mother-in-law to be. We had a small gathering of 2 mother hens, 2 regular hens, some little chickens, and 1 gay guy in the hotel the night before - champagne flowed and dirty jokes were made.

Right after, I spent the night in bed with the bride, and we spasmed together all night long. Actually, I spasmed - apparently, I have seizures in my sleep - hence, the bride got no sleep before her wedding day. Also, I kept her up talking, using this opportunity to recreate the slumberparties of yore. I will never live this down. We'll be old and in a nursing home, and she'll still remind me... My dad suggested duct tape: roll me in it for the spasms; plus an extra strip for the mouth.

The romantic New England Fall setting at the Commander's mansion. I love fall, I love crisp weather, rosy cheeks, yellow leaves... It's like she knew me when she planned her own wedding.

The day of pre-partay. I knew my BFF was going to be one big ball of nerves, and my suspicions were confirmed when after taking a sip of her morning coffee, she declared that she was going back to the hotel room to vomit . To treat this condition, my suggestion was to make up a bucket of mimosa and bring it to the hair salon at 9 am to soothe her nerves, but not everyone thought it was a good idea, so we settled for four bottles of champagne and prosecco for the bridal suite. Incidentally, I was too busy staring at myself in the mirror at the hair salon to take any pictures - but the other women did, so soon to follow is me in velcro rollers under the drier, and the bride chowing down on bagels.

One bridesmaid was a waitress in a past life, and professionally popped the champagne without spilling a drop - thus, we began to calm our nerves, around 4 pm.

It was a wedding of many shoes. The original plan was, each girl would get her own black dress and shoes, also black, except for me, who would wear red shoes so as to make it clear that I was the (hooker) matron of honor (Dorothy). One of the bridesmaids sabotaged the plan, as it came out the night before, by only bringing yellow shoes - black and black is boring!! So, we ended up all wearing crazy-colored heels.

The bride herself was teetering atop 4.15 inch heels, which made her 5 feet 4.15 inches tall, which made her able to reach up to land a first kiss onto her 6 foot 1 husband. She swears she'll be wearing these shoes again - to the gym, to work, to the beach - because she can do anything in heels.

The ceremony took place at dusk during the fortuitous 10 minutes that it didn't rain that day.

The Chuppah (otherwise known as Challupah) was absolutely the most gorgeous fall-themed piece of work I've ever seen... made by the future sister-in-law, who barely even knew what a Chuppah was supposed to look like. The green silk awning was studded with golden stars like a surreal sky, and the maroon flowers and leaves matched the ribbons in our bouquets... I'd say, pretty amazing.

The first dance was very very long - and the bride, who hates being the center of attention, couldn't stand the pressure, so after about 1 minute, invited the guests to dance, but no one did - except the crazy wedding party, who joined the couple for a group hug dance.

Around 1:30 in the morning the night before, when we both should have been seeing our 7th dream, she suddenly jerked awake, and said, "Did you think of something to say?" HUH? "You're the matron of honor, you're gonna have to give a toast... You did, right?"

Ummmm.... Yes, sure, just go to sleep...

So, I gave a toast - and I was the first one to go. You can't see the hives in this picture, but they were there.

and this, this is my favorite picture.