Deep thoughts
This here internet venue has high potential into turning into a pretentious outlet of my various selves: the pseudo-writer, the pseudo-cook, the pseudo-philosopher, the pseudo-historian... I could not pretend to be any of those things "for real." The only real things I am in here are a) immigrant and b) doctor. But what can you do if sometimes deep thoughts invade the mind?
Such was today. As I was sitting in the hospital, with my legs stretched out and my hands folded, spitting at the ceiling in boredom (superbowl - holiday, apparently, even chest pains can wait till after, and no one comes in to the ER) and awaiting various lab results and call-backs, I had several eureka moments.
1) Expanding on a metaphor from a person deeper than I: there are dog people and cat people. Cat people do what they think is best and don't give it a second thought; they walk on their own, as the fable goes. Dog people are constantly seeking others' approval. (Guess which one I am!) When they don't feel they get it, they experience major anxiety. Usually, it takes serious training to control it, and the problem tends to recur, because, let's face it, no one ever really changes their true nature.
2) Speaking of anxiety, let's talk about not getting what you want. I'm talking about within any arena, be it business or personal. I get so anxious thinking that I might not get what I want, that more often than not, I will pick an option I am sure of being able to "get" because I know that otherwise, the angst is just not worth it. The major exception was medical school. An even bigger exception was allowing some guy to move across the Atlantic puddle for naught but a chance... Other decisions have never been longshots, have been extensions of what I already know and natural conclusions, and lucky for me, so far, they've been good choices. The few times things have not worked out or have gone out of my control - god help my little heart. Unfortunately, usually, I'm also unable to do the right thing and simply look beyond the present, and/or remove myself from the situation. If the situation removes itself from me, eventually I come to consider it a very lucky circumstance, even if I don't see it that way at the moment.
3) Speaking of getting what you want. Sometimes, yeah, you're not gonna get it; and you need to learn to live with that. I know this. However, other times, when what you want is sort of symbolic and doesn't REALLY matter, and especially if it's contingent on another person - well, it's just nice to get someone to play your game, especially if all involved know it's a game. There is no point in putting people in their place, and teaching lessons for the sake of teaching lessons. It's arrogant for anyone to think they have the right, even putting aside the fact that most people don't want lessons past a certain point in their lives. Additionally, even if it's NOT a game, concentrate on your ultimate goal. Is it to maintain some semblance of an arbitrary sense of who's right? Or is to, say, keep whomever matters most to you happy? Will you shoot yourself in the foot for the sake of the short term?
4) Finally, about my own personal existential angst. Yeah, I care what people think, and if they like me. (if they don't, I get anxious, see point 1) I am far far far from being free of seeing myself through the eyes of others. Someone told me recently that I seem like a woman who knows herself, and that made me chuckle, because yes, I go around thinking that I know myself but then someone will bust out with some comment about me, and will leave me astonished that they see me that way. Goes to show. You really DON'T know what dents you make on others. And, honestly, working on controlling it? Sounds like a fruitless task.
At this point, my pager went off, my deep associations were cut short, and I had to scoot.
The moral of the story is: I'm pontificating and scribbling here. And, in the end, I like people. ... I think. I just wish they wouldn't cause me so much anxiety. Just play with me and give me my treat.
Such was today. As I was sitting in the hospital, with my legs stretched out and my hands folded, spitting at the ceiling in boredom (superbowl - holiday, apparently, even chest pains can wait till after, and no one comes in to the ER) and awaiting various lab results and call-backs, I had several eureka moments.
1) Expanding on a metaphor from a person deeper than I: there are dog people and cat people. Cat people do what they think is best and don't give it a second thought; they walk on their own, as the fable goes. Dog people are constantly seeking others' approval. (Guess which one I am!) When they don't feel they get it, they experience major anxiety. Usually, it takes serious training to control it, and the problem tends to recur, because, let's face it, no one ever really changes their true nature.
2) Speaking of anxiety, let's talk about not getting what you want. I'm talking about within any arena, be it business or personal. I get so anxious thinking that I might not get what I want, that more often than not, I will pick an option I am sure of being able to "get" because I know that otherwise, the angst is just not worth it. The major exception was medical school. An even bigger exception was allowing some guy to move across the Atlantic puddle for naught but a chance... Other decisions have never been longshots, have been extensions of what I already know and natural conclusions, and lucky for me, so far, they've been good choices. The few times things have not worked out or have gone out of my control - god help my little heart. Unfortunately, usually, I'm also unable to do the right thing and simply look beyond the present, and/or remove myself from the situation. If the situation removes itself from me, eventually I come to consider it a very lucky circumstance, even if I don't see it that way at the moment.3) Speaking of getting what you want. Sometimes, yeah, you're not gonna get it; and you need to learn to live with that. I know this. However, other times, when what you want is sort of symbolic and doesn't REALLY matter, and especially if it's contingent on another person - well, it's just nice to get someone to play your game, especially if all involved know it's a game. There is no point in putting people in their place, and teaching lessons for the sake of teaching lessons. It's arrogant for anyone to think they have the right, even putting aside the fact that most people don't want lessons past a certain point in their lives. Additionally, even if it's NOT a game, concentrate on your ultimate goal. Is it to maintain some semblance of an arbitrary sense of who's right? Or is to, say, keep whomever matters most to you happy? Will you shoot yourself in the foot for the sake of the short term?
4) Finally, about my own personal existential angst. Yeah, I care what people think, and if they like me. (if they don't, I get anxious, see point 1) I am far far far from being free of seeing myself through the eyes of others. Someone told me recently that I seem like a woman who knows herself, and that made me chuckle, because yes, I go around thinking that I know myself but then someone will bust out with some comment about me, and will leave me astonished that they see me that way. Goes to show. You really DON'T know what dents you make on others. And, honestly, working on controlling it? Sounds like a fruitless task.
At this point, my pager went off, my deep associations were cut short, and I had to scoot.
The moral of the story is: I'm pontificating and scribbling here. And, in the end, I like people. ... I think. I just wish they wouldn't cause me so much anxiety. Just play with me and give me my treat.
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