Lazy ovaries
The second Tamoxifen cycle is well under way, I believe I forgot to mention anything about it. This time, I had bothersome low grade nausea, mis-perceived as hunger, leading to constant grazing but not sensible eating. Not sure what, if anything, this is doing for my weight and waistline, not to mention my GERD. That's a minus. Primed by my previous experience, I was heavily armed with Benzoyl Peroxide, 10%, and Salicylic acid, 2%, so the chest, forehead and backne was not as much of a problem. That's a plus.
So the ultrasound and labwork were on Friday. They switched techs on me. You wouldn't think it matters, but it does: they have different techniques of twisting the darn wand within my nethers. Incidentally, am I the only one who thinks that calling the ultrasound transducer probe "wand" unnecessarily and unfairly romanticizes an utterly unromantic instrument and process? Plus, this lady doesn't turn the monitor towards me, so I have to crane my neck, and this results in muscle strain. That being said, even if the monitor was turned right at me, I still wouldn't see any follicles because there weren't any.
I, of course, ran to check my own labs as fast as I could. By the way, did you know, this is illegal? I mean, I am legally not allowed to check MY OWN lab results because of HIPPAA unless I sign a special permission slip - to myself - and fill out a special form, and take it to a special office where a special person has a special stamp of approval which in 3-6 weeks may or may not be granted to me so I could check my own medical record? Fucking state institutions, I swear to god, they could save MILLIONS of dollars a year on red tape if they didn't have to use so much of it!
Yes, I ran to check them, and LH was 1.2. To give you an idea, in a male, the range of LH includes the number 1.2. So, basically, I am as close to a surge as a male.
The nurse called and said, "You're moving very slowly." I appreciate her vote of confidence: she seems to imply that I'm moving at all! I don't think I am, because I monitored myself with OPK this weekend, and they were as negative as all the 100 pregnancy tests I have taken over the last year, and that is difficult. OPK are always at least a little bit positive. I'm worried that I'm in an anovulatory cycle, and I don't know how that's possible since the Tamoxifen is supposed to stimulate ovulation, not suppress it.
Who knows. Another go at the ultrasound is slotted for tomorrow morning.
I really resent this whole clinic, this whole so-called "Women's Center" and I'm suspecting iatrogenesis is the cause for my irregularities. I told myself the month before that I was going to forget the whole drugs and IUIs and ART thing, and take a break - but I didn't do that, because, as the shrink noted, I'd be acting out because "someone must be punished for the lack of success!" She meant that by abandoning all attempts, I'll be punishing the clinic for their failures, but really, I'd be punishing myself. For my own failures. She didn't say that. I added that in.
If we have a baby this year, my husband will be 60 when the kid turns 18. And the magic number, 35, for me is only 4 years away.
Okay, I think I'm being way dramatic. It's just an ultrasound. It was early in the cycle. I don't even really have a fertility problem. Never mind.
So the ultrasound and labwork were on Friday. They switched techs on me. You wouldn't think it matters, but it does: they have different techniques of twisting the darn wand within my nethers. Incidentally, am I the only one who thinks that calling the ultrasound transducer probe "wand" unnecessarily and unfairly romanticizes an utterly unromantic instrument and process? Plus, this lady doesn't turn the monitor towards me, so I have to crane my neck, and this results in muscle strain. That being said, even if the monitor was turned right at me, I still wouldn't see any follicles because there weren't any.
I, of course, ran to check my own labs as fast as I could. By the way, did you know, this is illegal? I mean, I am legally not allowed to check MY OWN lab results because of HIPPAA unless I sign a special permission slip - to myself - and fill out a special form, and take it to a special office where a special person has a special stamp of approval which in 3-6 weeks may or may not be granted to me so I could check my own medical record? Fucking state institutions, I swear to god, they could save MILLIONS of dollars a year on red tape if they didn't have to use so much of it!
Yes, I ran to check them, and LH was 1.2. To give you an idea, in a male, the range of LH includes the number 1.2. So, basically, I am as close to a surge as a male.
The nurse called and said, "You're moving very slowly." I appreciate her vote of confidence: she seems to imply that I'm moving at all! I don't think I am, because I monitored myself with OPK this weekend, and they were as negative as all the 100 pregnancy tests I have taken over the last year, and that is difficult. OPK are always at least a little bit positive. I'm worried that I'm in an anovulatory cycle, and I don't know how that's possible since the Tamoxifen is supposed to stimulate ovulation, not suppress it.
Who knows. Another go at the ultrasound is slotted for tomorrow morning.
I really resent this whole clinic, this whole so-called "Women's Center" and I'm suspecting iatrogenesis is the cause for my irregularities. I told myself the month before that I was going to forget the whole drugs and IUIs and ART thing, and take a break - but I didn't do that, because, as the shrink noted, I'd be acting out because "someone must be punished for the lack of success!" She meant that by abandoning all attempts, I'll be punishing the clinic for their failures, but really, I'd be punishing myself. For my own failures. She didn't say that. I added that in.
If we have a baby this year, my husband will be 60 when the kid turns 18. And the magic number, 35, for me is only 4 years away.
Okay, I think I'm being way dramatic. It's just an ultrasound. It was early in the cycle. I don't even really have a fertility problem. Never mind.
Comments