Writer's block

I know that the last post was hasty and very hatefully negative and childish, and has been here for days. I keep opening "new post" windows, but unfortunately, I'm afraid I don't have much good material with which to fill them. That is not to say that there aren't thoughts teeming in my head, because my head has been ready to tip over and splash out in the last few days.

It's just that I have been a hysterical tachycardic ball of nerves and anxiety since that Thursday morning, more or less, and I have just not been able to formulate a sentence that makes sense. I've been driven to tears every single day in the last 4 days, sometimes twice in a day, leading me to be really unfair to everyone around me on the one hand, doubting my everything and expecting to be fired on the other, and really hating just everything and everyone on the third. Sometimes, like when I try to wrap my head around various injustices and inconveniences, I get this angry feeling in the pit of my stomach that knocks the wind out of me and buckles my knees. Other times, I get so anxious that literally, colors fade and I think I might pass out - this happens in traffic or when waiting for my attending to stop talking so we can move on... And people look ugly to me.

I don't think my reactions to the surroundings are adequate, although people have tried to convince me otherwise. Supposedly, others have this too, but if they do, they must be much much better actors than I!

I'm starting to relax a little now, call is over, and it's a new week... And I'm really looking deep in my - soul? being? mind? - somewhere to find the existentialist in me and shrug, and chalk things up to fate, and realize that no matter what, I'll live to die another day. But it's hard.

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