The descent
Granted, my meeting with the program director was a little out of control. I'm not the type of person who speaks her mind, more like the type that bites her tongue (although, according to some, it doesn't really matter if I say anything or not, because all my thoughts are written all over my face); and I certainly wasn't planning to march in there and tell him off. But the more he oozed his passive aggressive disapproval of me, and the more left handed feedback and putdowns poorly disguised as light banter, the more pissed off I got. I practically had blood in my mouth from biting my tongue back, until he finally got through the "positive" portion of the talk, and on to actual criticism, which was just too much for me to handle.
In retrospect, aside from his unbelievably poor desk-side manner, and blatant paternalistic sexist undertones, he didn't offer me any new criticisms. But, I guess, so many months of my mulling over various injustices, created a monster that just busted out like it was his first rodeo.
Afterwards, I talked it out with a few of my co-fellows, and it became fairly obvious that despite the fact that I have definite short-comings, which I recognize and own up to, the treatment I've received has been on the wrong side of fair. You'd think that would make me feel better reaffirming what I suspected this whole time, but it made me feel much worse because... well.. it reaffirmed what I suspected this whole time.
And now, I don't know what to do.
On the one hand, I'm terrified. My husband thinks there is something else going on; some sort of between the lines, behind the scenes action, something about collecting many small nuggets to later create a giant brick that would be used to hit me over the head and get rid of me for good. This could be true. This would be catastrophic. Getting rid of a fellow is not good for the program, but it's even worse for the fellow.
On the other hand, I'm enraged. I am frustrated. I am impotent. Yes, they've been unfair. But no, I cannot really refute what they say. There is no statute regarding what punishment is cruel and unusual with respect to what offense. And who would I go to to complain if I wanted to? And whom would that hurt in the end, other than me?
It looks like I just have to hold on to my spoon and eat this shit right up, say thank you, and ask for more.
Tell me enough times that I suck, and I will believe you. In fact, I think so too, so by telling me, you're just confirming my fears, and it's an evil feedback mechanism that makes me suck all the more. I knew it all along! Now someone else has discovered it too. This is where my long string of good luck that got me here comes to an end.
Not real effective motivation for self-improvement.
I wish the powers that be would grant me adequate muscle power and long enough arms to pick myself up by my bootstraps and keep going...
In retrospect, aside from his unbelievably poor desk-side manner, and blatant paternalistic sexist undertones, he didn't offer me any new criticisms. But, I guess, so many months of my mulling over various injustices, created a monster that just busted out like it was his first rodeo.
Afterwards, I talked it out with a few of my co-fellows, and it became fairly obvious that despite the fact that I have definite short-comings, which I recognize and own up to, the treatment I've received has been on the wrong side of fair. You'd think that would make me feel better reaffirming what I suspected this whole time, but it made me feel much worse because... well.. it reaffirmed what I suspected this whole time.
And now, I don't know what to do.
On the one hand, I'm terrified. My husband thinks there is something else going on; some sort of between the lines, behind the scenes action, something about collecting many small nuggets to later create a giant brick that would be used to hit me over the head and get rid of me for good. This could be true. This would be catastrophic. Getting rid of a fellow is not good for the program, but it's even worse for the fellow.
On the other hand, I'm enraged. I am frustrated. I am impotent. Yes, they've been unfair. But no, I cannot really refute what they say. There is no statute regarding what punishment is cruel and unusual with respect to what offense. And who would I go to to complain if I wanted to? And whom would that hurt in the end, other than me?
It looks like I just have to hold on to my spoon and eat this shit right up, say thank you, and ask for more.
Tell me enough times that I suck, and I will believe you. In fact, I think so too, so by telling me, you're just confirming my fears, and it's an evil feedback mechanism that makes me suck all the more. I knew it all along! Now someone else has discovered it too. This is where my long string of good luck that got me here comes to an end.
Not real effective motivation for self-improvement.
I wish the powers that be would grant me adequate muscle power and long enough arms to pick myself up by my bootstraps and keep going...
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