Tushenka is too good
Well, aside from the narcissistic nature of the previous story (I mean, seriously, 2000 words about a case of food poisoning?), there are also some cultural gems to be had and learned in there.
I think I need to emphasize them.
Please go back to tushenka. You can see, that the first time I mention it, I made the word a link. Mostly, when I was looking for a website to link to, I was just looking for an appropriately gory picture of tushenka, and didn't actually read the content. Today I went back and read it, and it's just fucking hilarious!!!
So, because I'm such a nerd, and it's 11:30 on a Friday, and I'm too weak to be out, but too well to be passed out, I actually found and used an insta-translator, and translated the page for your entertainment and pleasure, my English speaking friends. But also, and especially, my RUSSIAN English speaking friends!!! Just goes to show, nothing is as good when taken out of context!!!
Never mind that I'm now crying while laughing.
Russian is a very difficult language, wrought with unexpected turns of phrase, so the translation is far from perfect, so I, in my infinite free time, have also provided a study guide below...
ENJOY! (click here)
Sasha's version:
1) the first line is trying to translate a silly tagline, unsuccessfully. What it's trying to say is something like... "Some canned meat in the bag, and you're all set for your vacation!"
2) I love their honesty: Maximum flavor, minimum vitamins.
3) Don't misinterpret "tinned meat is pure white and shouldn't be abused." This is the authors looking out for you: it's cooked at high temperatures, and is mostly proteins, so don't eat it all the time, lest you end up malnutritioned.
4) The good news: it's our most popular product. The bad news: more and more, our quality control personnel are finding lymph nodes, tendons and even stubble in the jars instead of beef.
5) What follows is mudslinging advertising: others are using their own quality standards, but we comply fully with the GOST standards of no stubble and at least 59% beef, so look for the GOST label.
6) But watch out! Buying canned meat is still like playing catch in a minefield, and here's why.
7) The authors continue to look out for you: in the west, tushenka is considered food for the poor, so tushenka produced in the west is of poor quality, full of sinew, cartilage, and sodium nitrite.
8) The authors educate you on how to identify a quality product: they give detailed instructions as to how to read the can and interpret the markings on the cans of tushenka to make sure that they encode a GOST approved, native-produced product.
9) What else can we tell you about tushenka? They go over a few tips on how to judge the quality of canned food in general: rusty cans can mean decay. Dented cans means the meat might be spoiled.
10) Finally, a mode of preparation and serving suggestions. VOILA!!
Where do I fill out an oder form!?
I think I need to emphasize them.
Please go back to tushenka. You can see, that the first time I mention it, I made the word a link. Mostly, when I was looking for a website to link to, I was just looking for an appropriately gory picture of tushenka, and didn't actually read the content. Today I went back and read it, and it's just fucking hilarious!!!
So, because I'm such a nerd, and it's 11:30 on a Friday, and I'm too weak to be out, but too well to be passed out, I actually found and used an insta-translator, and translated the page for your entertainment and pleasure, my English speaking friends. But also, and especially, my RUSSIAN English speaking friends!!! Just goes to show, nothing is as good when taken out of context!!!
Never mind that I'm now crying while laughing.
Russian is a very difficult language, wrought with unexpected turns of phrase, so the translation is far from perfect, so I, in my infinite free time, have also provided a study guide below...
ENJOY! (click here)
Sasha's version:
1) the first line is trying to translate a silly tagline, unsuccessfully. What it's trying to say is something like... "Some canned meat in the bag, and you're all set for your vacation!"
2) I love their honesty: Maximum flavor, minimum vitamins.
3) Don't misinterpret "tinned meat is pure white and shouldn't be abused." This is the authors looking out for you: it's cooked at high temperatures, and is mostly proteins, so don't eat it all the time, lest you end up malnutritioned.
4) The good news: it's our most popular product. The bad news: more and more, our quality control personnel are finding lymph nodes, tendons and even stubble in the jars instead of beef.
5) What follows is mudslinging advertising: others are using their own quality standards, but we comply fully with the GOST standards of no stubble and at least 59% beef, so look for the GOST label.
6) But watch out! Buying canned meat is still like playing catch in a minefield, and here's why.
7) The authors continue to look out for you: in the west, tushenka is considered food for the poor, so tushenka produced in the west is of poor quality, full of sinew, cartilage, and sodium nitrite.
8) The authors educate you on how to identify a quality product: they give detailed instructions as to how to read the can and interpret the markings on the cans of tushenka to make sure that they encode a GOST approved, native-produced product.
9) What else can we tell you about tushenka? They go over a few tips on how to judge the quality of canned food in general: rusty cans can mean decay. Dented cans means the meat might be spoiled.
10) Finally, a mode of preparation and serving suggestions. VOILA!!
Where do I fill out an oder form!?
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